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Priyesh: Hi there! My name is Priyesh Ramman and I would like to welcome you to the Your! Trainee Program Podcast. For those who missed it Your! Trainee Program is about making personal development accesible. Today we’ll be talking about some interpersonal skills, as a matter of fact we will be talking about self disclosure, and also about the Johari model. This model is going to help you understand how to manage your relationships, with yourself but also with others. And how that can help you build stronger relationships in the future.
But first, if this is your first time listening to the Your! Trainee Program podcast, don’t forget to subscribe on the website, www.yourtraineeprogram.com and be the first to receive the updates about personal development. And if you subscribe, you will receive the personal effective conversations cheatsheet. This cheatsheet is going to help you manage your conversations in a better way. It will help you understand it and will improve your conversation tactics.
But for today we are going to talk about self disclosure. So what is self disclosure? For me self disclosure is telling people something about you which they don’t know already. To enhance our conversation or relation with another person. Personally I believe that it are the people who are bringing the results ! Not the processes, or the rules or hierarchy, to achieve results. It’s about people working together with people. And if it’s people working together with people. It will help you better understand each other. It will help you to get to know each other and it will help you get more results in the end!
To start with I want to show you a real life example of myself. Actually, this is the moment when I discovered self disclosure. I didn’t knew of the term self disclosure but what I did knew was that it was keeping me down. This was like four years ago and I was working as a business intelligence advisor. I was doing lots of work in the field of reporting and dashboarding. I was creating a lot of reports and dashboards, writing for the board of directors and stuff like that.
I had a lot of interaction, I was talking with my manager, with me colleagues, with project managers. All sort of people. What my manager said at the time, is that I should show a little more of myself. I didn’t really knew what he was talking about at that time but I thought about it. Because he was a person which I trusted. and usually he said a lot of useful stuff, so I thought I’d give it a try.
What he really meant I that I had to put in some more of ‘me’ into my advising role. What he was talking about is, and what I saw, is that I was making a lot of connections but on the surface. Actually I was really talking about my content. I was talking about reporting, how it could make your life easier. And I was nailing it on the content side. So what I actually did and what he said was think about how your colleagues perceive you. And what I remembered from those days, is that a lot of my colleagues, actually really didn’t know me as a person. They knew my name, they know what I was doing. They knew what I was good at, it could have been me, it could have been someone else, but it got the job done. So from that perspective was oke, but from the perspective of building relations I wasn’t that spot on. it could have been me, it could have been someone else, it really didn’t matter.
what I wanted to achieve is that I was the go to guy who was solid for the job. and that wasn’t going to happend with just nailing it with the knowledge I had. so it got me thinking, what should I do now. What should I do next? And I started to think about self disclosure. How to get closer to people, and how to let people in? This was really the key part of it, letting people in.
It was one of my beliefs that it was none of people’s business. My struggles, the things I find hard. Those problems are mine. but I couldn’t have been more wrong.
i want you to think of a person, everyone knows such a person. Who is bragging about how well he or she is doing, how perfect everything is. And I want you to think about how you feel about such person. probably you don’t like them. Or you don’t like the bragging. You don’t want to be that person.
I also want you to think about a close friend, a relative which you really like. in those communications you talk about a lot of different stuff. Which are either okay, fine or perfect. But you can probably also share things which are difficult or hard. And that Is what building relationships is about, it’s about quality.
So the first thing I did was take more time with me colleagues, to sit down with them and try to help them, to serve them and try to progress at both ends. Both for me as for them. What this meant is that I really had to listen to them and to show interest in them. More than just a report or a dashboard. Why they wanted something, but also what were their major pains and stuff like that. When I got closer to my colleagues, I saw that connection. I could see what they were struggling with and, what was more difficult for me, I could show what I was struggling with.
Self disclosure is really hard for me as a person because I’m not that open, not that chatty and I don’t automatically share my private space and thoughts with others. So what I did is that I opened up to people but I still tried to do my work the very best I could. But aside from that, I was also letting people in. I was also showing people what I found difficult. If I worked my ass off, and had to work overtime to finish something. I shared it with them, I told them that it was a difficult project, or that it was something that I haven’t done before.
The effect of this all was that people were liking me a lot more because it allowed them, and it allowed myself to make greater and a more real connection. And I think the real lesson in this is that if you let people in, you will benefit from it. And it will help you to create better and more real connections with it.
The Johari model
Now let’s get to the Johari model. I want to pass on this simple concept on you because I believe that this simple model can help you understand relationships a bit better! The Johari model was invented by Joseph Luft and Harrington Ingham, That’s why it’s called Jo-Hari, Jo for Joseph and Hari off course for Harrington.
This simple model talks about how relationships and emotions are perceived by people in a conversation. It has four real simple quadrants.
The quadrants are the open field. The hidden field, the blindspots and the unknown. I will try to talk you through the model real quick. What we are aiming for is the hidden spots, which also called the facade because that’s where you can grow.
The open field
The open field is about what is known to you but is also known of the other. You can think about hair colour. If I’m in a conversation people can see that my hair color is black. I know it, they know it and therefore it’s in the open field
The blind spot
The blind spot is a bit more tricky. If you are that far in your communication, you can look for the blindspots in your communication. Because I think you will gain the most from this quadrant. It’s about behavior which you don’t see, yet! But which others probably perceive. So if you ask them for it, you can ask them for feedback on how your behavior is perceived.
The Facade
The other quadrant is the facade. This is about stuff that is known to you but is unknown you the other party.
the unknown
This quadrant is about stuff that is unknown to you and unknown to others. For this episode it’s not really relevant for this episode.
We are going to zoom in on the facade or the hidden quadrant a little bit more. This is about stuff that is clear to you but unclear to others.
How can you use this to better your relationships? I’m going to give you a real life example in just a second. But I want you to tell you a little what it is about. You have some shallow things there, what your second name is, what the name of your cat is. But it can also be about you personally. A lot of people like it if you open up to them because that gives them the opportunity to relate to you. It’s also how we work. Think about friends and family. You like them and you can probably relate to them.
So I want to take this to an example of mine. In which I ‘used’ self disclosure to help a colleague of mine. It wasn’t that I had anything to gain with this. But the colleague was really struggling with this, and I thought if I will tell something about my own struggle it might help her.
It was not very long ago, I think it was like two or three months ago. And i was having a coaching conversation with one of my colleagues. She is a manager, and she has a span of control of 10 a 15 people. And her employees love her. They simply do. She does everything for them and she does everything to make it better for her employees. Her struggle was with this guy, and she had to do an interview with this person and the problem was that she felt intimidated by him. It was a real slick guy, he wore a suit, a tie, you name it. And she felt intimidated by him. And I asked her why she felt intimidated and she replied. it was that she thought that he was really good, it seemed like he knew it all and stuff like that.
What I asked her is why she didn’t ask that question to him? She asked me, what isn’t he capable of?! And I though that it was a really great question. If someones appearance is that shiny, if someone’s resume is perfect, what CAN’T he do? And she replied to me if I was serious, if it really was something she could ask? And I said off course, why not? If that’s what you are worrying about, then ask the question. And she told me that she felt intimidated by him and that she was at the lower end of the conversation. Which is actually crazy because she was the specialist in her field, and that’s what I told her.
What was really funny, is that she said, when I asked her those questions, that these things are natural to me. She said to me, ‘when you have those conversations, it looks like your second nature‘. That was a big compliment for me, bit I also worked to learn this stuff. I chose to open up to here and show her some of my struggles, so what I told her. It is a result of a lot of hard working from the last four years and that the feelings and struggles and the intimidating wasn’t unfamiliar for me, because I had that same feelings.
I just told her that I had these clients and that I was insecure about what to say, and if it was oke. I tried to be perfect, but off course I wasn’t. So in this simple example I decided to self disclose and tell her something more.
Going back to the Johari model, it was hidden. I knew that my presence was built in four years in which I have worked in different roles and where I had the opportunity to develop my communication skills. She didn’t knew that. She just knew me for like five or maybe six months. And that was what she knew and saw. She didn’t knew how I was like four years ago.
What happened then was really magical. Her eyes open up wide and it was almost like she was watching water burn. and she was so surprised. And she said, you?! You had difficulties in conversations, with other people?! Being insecure? And I nodded and said yes, off course. I had those same struggles. I overcome them but it wasn’t always like that.
What happened from there was phenomenal, she decided to go into the interview really secure and thought of what to say and what not to say. And she was really satisfied with the result. I heard a lot of great feedback about how she did it which was off course great for her.
To not drift away too far from the subject of self disclosure. This shows that telling people something about you, something about your hidden quadrant. Something what you know about your self, and they don’t know it yet can help you gain better relationships with people, and that’s because people make connections with other people. Not processes, not with organizations not with logo’s, but with other people.
So that was actually it for today. And I hope you learned something about self disclosure. And how opening up to other people will help you to create more effective relations with other people which will in the end help you to grow more effective.
Give it a try
Before I end I want to give you one exercise. First think of one thing which is known to everyone. Which is known to you, which is known to others and which is interesting to state out.
Second I want you to think of something which is known to you but is not that known to other parties. And this can be something that is really small, I would always advice you to start small. Like where you grew up, where you live or where you came from.
And think of something which gets you a bit anxious, like the struggles which you are facing, what you are having trouble with, maybe even right now.
Start experimenting with it and throw it in to your conversations, start small and go bigger afterwards.
I really want to thank you for your time. I appreciate your time listening to this podcast. And I hope I have gave you some tools which are valuable to you.
That was it for today. Be sure to give your tips about how to make better and deeper connections in the comments. And don’t forget to subscribe on the website www.yourtraineeprogram.com and have a nice day!
Bye