Priyesh: Hi good afternoon, how are you guys doing? I’m glad to have you here, my name is Priyesh Ramman and I’m the host of the Your! Trainee program podcast. As you might know, this program is about making personal development accessible for you.
What we are going to do today is talk about some interpersonal skills, as a matter of fact I want to talk to you about assumptions. But first if this is the first time listening make sure to subscribe and be the first to gets the tips in your mailbox about how to be more effective. By subscribing to the mailing list you also will also get my free effective conversations check list and this check list is going to help you gain a better understanding of the conversations you’re facing everyday. Which will then help you make better conversations and get more effective in communication.
What are assumptions?
First I want to have a better understanding of what assumptions actually are and why we are making them. And after we get a better understanding of what assumptions are I want to look at a couple of techniques about how you can avoid assumptions and how you can use them for the better, so how you can check assumptions and how to make better decisions about what to say, what not to say, what to ask and what not to ask!
Conversations
So first, about conversations; having conversations is one of the most important ways of having interaction with other people. Usually we don’t really think about conversations, right? We just talk with people, we respond, we react and that is just the way it goes, all day long. We talk with our partners, with our spouses, with our parents, with our friends. We just talk every day. And even there, I can tell you, we are making assumptions: we’re saying things, or we are NOT saying things because we think the other one understands what we are saying or even thinking. Sometimes this is actually the fact, but I will tell you, a lot of times this is not like that.
So why do we actually make these assumptions if they are this dangerous? I’m going to tell you from my point of view why I think we are making assumptions. We all grew up in some certain way, which was normal for us right? We had a mom, a dad or one of them. friends, whatever. A house, a big house, a small house, it doesn’t really matter but we grew up some certain way. That way was for us normal. Because we live through it each and every day. this brings us to the fact that we think that it’s like this for everybody. And that, also an assumption off course, but that’s not true. Everybody has his own life, own experiences, his own environment. So we are not really paying attention to where we come from and where other people come from. So what happens there is that if we talk with other people, we just assume that they know what we are talking about because they have lived the experience which we also lived, and that is offcourse not correct.
How does that work in real life?
Just looking real quick to myself and my best friends. If I look at the differences between us, they are quite big. At first maybe not, but if I think about it they’re quite big. We all have a different state of normal, there is no regular or universal state of normal and that’s because we all come from different places, different parents, from a different country maybe, and we all had our own experiences. And those experiences shape our way of normal.
But that doesn’t has to mean that my normal is the same as my best friends normal. just to have a quick example to make this clear. My parents are from Surinam and in Surinam people like to ear with their hands. The first time my best friend came to my house, I was eight, nine ten maybe. My parents were eating with their hands, I grew up in The Netherlands, so offcourse we had spoons and forks, but it was really strange for my best friend who lived in Holland and was also born here. That they were eating with their hands. For me, it was normal, because for those eight, nine, ten years I have seen this behavior so I really got used to this. It wasn’t a big deal for me. I wasn’t doing it, but it wasn’t a big deal for me. So we think that our state of normal is the same as anyones state of normal and that’s not correct.
How does that work in your professional life?
Just to make the step to your professional life. This is also going on during your conversations in your professional life. And what I want to do is to make it clear with an example of me as a business intelligence advisor at the company I worked a couple years ago. and from there I want to hand you some tips how you can avoid assumptions. I want to start with why in business environments can be dangerous. Just like I stated before, we react from what is normal for us but we don’t really look at what is normal for other people. This happens when two people are talking. Just image you are talking to your manager or your collegue and he is saying somethings like ‘we should have a production of ten this week’. And you are like, what?! Ten?! Are you crazy?! Bob called in sick, Jenny is on vacation. We are never going to reach that ten this week!? But you don’t know why he is saying it. So you just think we are going for ten but you also now your not going to reach it because you know there are factors but you are not saying it. What could have happened here is that your manager or colleague, whoever said it, has a different information state compared then you have. And what you should have done here is have a conversation and tell him or here, why you think that it’s not possible. And there are really easy ways to do that because in a working environment you can have a conversation and you can just tap each other on the shoulder and talk to each other! but! We usually don’t do this and from my own experience, I know that this can be hard.
I know when I just started as a business intelligence analist I didn’t do this a lot. I was working in a team and we were working for customers in our organization, we were making dashboards and reports and all kind of cool stuff with business intelligence. Usually I didn’t ask my customer what they really wanted. I already knew what they wanted, that’s why I was the professional?! That’s why I was the adviser. I couldn’t have been more wrong about something than this. And it really caused some trouble allong the way, and I’m going to explain to you why. During my customer talks, I had to ask them what they wanted. I had to help them manage their teams. So we were talking about key performance indicators and stuff like that. But I thought I knew better than them what they needed. and although I might have good ideas about what they need, I don’t know what they need and why they need. So what I did is I rushed to the conversation real quick, like I know what I’m going to make, I know what I’m going to do. And they are going to be really satisfied with it. What actually happened is that a lot of my customers weren’t satisfied with the products I gave them.
The key to success: listening!
And it had some real clear and simple reasons. It was because I didn’t listen to them. And more important, it was because I didn’t ask them the right questions, and some times I didn’t even asked questions at al! Why did I do this? Because I thought if our talk ended early, and I didn’t asked too much complicated questions, I could just make something which I believed in, which I thought was the right thing they needed , and this was a misunderstanding of mine.
What happened then was that they were unsatisfied with the products I made, with the report I made, with the reports me and my team made. And I had no one to blame. Because the customer was inexperienced in the field, my collegues were doing what I was telling them to produce. And actually, the problem was with me. Because I thought if I rushed through six, seven, eight conversations a day, or advisory talks, I can just produce more and be better. but I was wrong! What I should have done is to ask better questions and ask questions at all! Some of the questions I had I didn’t ask. And why was that? Because I already thought or I already knew, or at least, I thought i knew. That the outcome was going to be negative or that it was going to be an answer I didn’t like. But in my role, I had to serve those people, so that was actually a strange thought. And I made a lot of assumptions those days. When I was making reports I thought; this is what they need, or that is what they need, just let me drag in a cool graph! So they can see their production or whatever. And this didn’t went really well.
What also happened is, what I talked about earlier, is assuming that my normal is their normal. So that the knowledge I had and devleoped while reading about business intelligence, was the same as they had. I couldn’t have been more wrong! Because they had other priorities, and it was my field of knowledge and not theirs. So it was my job to help them and to guide them through the process. And where I made the assumptions about that they were really going to like it and are going to think that it’s really cool. I could have better asked the question. And ask them what they were thinking about.
An example of this is just to ask them what they need and especially why they needed it. Why do they wanted to do something that involved business intelligence. Are they doing it because their managers told them to do so? Or did they really wanted to take the wheel and use it to better their teams and production? I could have just asked them, it was there for me to ask, they were cooperative, so they would have always answered my questions. These answers would have given me the opportunity to sharpen my thoughts around the talk.
So now we know that the really as you perceive it, is your reality. And others have a different reality. the only way to understand each other and get to the same level of communication is to ask questions.
Types of questions
‘Check’ questions
What kind of questions can one ask? It’s actually really simple. What I learned through the years is that you can ask ‘check’ questions. What are check questions? If you are having a conversation, just rephrase what to other person said to see if you understand it correctly. Something like ‘is it like this? or that?’ or ‘you said this, is … what you meant by it?’. What will happen is that your conversation partner will say something like ‘yes, that is what I meant’ or ‘yes that is what I meant, but also …’ or ‘that’s entirely incorrect, because thats not what I meant’. At frist this can be a bit tricky, you can feel ashamed asking these questions because you will face a state where you cannot control the outcome.
If I look at myself a couple years ago. I thought I could control the outcome by not asking the question so I will not look dumb. And it leaves some room to make my own choices. And what you do with the check questions is verify, that’s actually the most important word, verify your thoughts.
Summarize
Another powerfull tool to better understand people and make better appointments along the way is to summarize at the end of the conversation. And you don’t have to go through a summary of five pages, but at the end of the conversation you can say something like ‘if i’m correct, we talked about A, B, C and D. I’m going to do A and B, and you are going to do C?. Is that correct?’. This will allow you to get on the same page and walk away from the meeting with the same view. It happens often that people walk away and think that the other party is going to take the action, and he or she can just wait. But by summarizing you can check what another persons thoughts, and maybe even feelings are regarding the conversation.
Come back later
What happened to me a lot is that I wanted to ask the questions, but was afraid to do so. I knew I needed the answer if I wanted to get my work going, but I didn’t. So what happened first was that I created products that weren’t fit for purpose and later I figured out that it wasn’t a permanent state. You can always ask the questions later. So if you are in a certain setting where you can’t or don’t want to, or even dare to ask, you can always do this later.
You might will experience that this will be a bit more difficult, because after the conversation ends the other party will probably will go his or her own way, and you will continue to go your way. And what is most powerfull in these situations is to pick up your phone or maybe just send them an e-mail; ‘Hey, we had this talk about … you said this and that, what did you exactly meant with that because i’m have my doubts’. This might be scary because you have to face that you might have missed some important information during the talk which was probably important for you or your conversation partner. But it will allow you to get your verification and get further with the appointment you made with sombody and follow up. And believe me, someone will always be way more happy wit a product which is more fit for purpose. With you trying to figure out what he or she really meant than you trying something random with an error as a logical consequence.
Summary
so that was actually my talk about assumptions and I want to summarize it really quick here. Because you can break it down to some simple steps wich will help you during your talks.
- Consciousness
Be aware that you make assumptions. If you are in a place where you are sitting against your conversation partner and you are thinking ‘ughhh, this person is so boring’. Be aware that it is an assumption which is probably based on earlier experiences with somebody. But that it is not a permanent state and that you have put a lable on somebody. Just try to be conscious about it and try to activate your brain to have some enthusiasm to listen to somebody again. 2
2. Catch yourself
If you catch yourself in a situation like the one I just mentioned, good! You are on your way. You are getting conscious about the fact that you are making assumptions. You can now tackle them. Start listering, ask open questions and this will free the way to better conversatoins.
- 3. Summarize
If your conversation has ended, summarize! Summarize, Summarize, Summarize. Do a quick summary of the conversation, the agreements that you made and get on the same level as the other party. This will help you, this will also give a signal to your partner that you are taking thinks seriouss and want to do things right. And in the long run, it will achieve better results.
4. Have the courage to ask again
If you missed something during a conversatoin or an agreement or you are looking at the notes you made and you see something that is not clear. Or maybe you didn’t had the courage at the time because you thought that it was dumb to ask, get back you the other party. And make this as simple as possible. Just pick up your phone, send them an e-mail and ask the question. You will see that people will show their appreciation on you wanting to do things the right way.
And just take your time. Take notes. Just be aware that it is happening. I really believe in unconscious incompetence. At first you don’t know that you are making asumptions an you are doing the wrong things. From there to conscious incompetence, where you start to see that you are making assumptions but you don’t know how to verify them. Or how to deal with them. And the step what we are aiming for is conscious competence. Where you know you are making assumptions and you know how to tackle them and face them the right way.
So that was it for today. I hope you really enjoyed this podcast and furthermore you really can implement these tips in your life and in the talks you are having.
My name is Priyesh Ramman from the Your! Trainee program podcast. If this helped you, please let me know what the outcome. I would love to hear your best tips are for facing assumptions and you can leave them down here at the comments. If you enjoyed this episode, stay on the lookout for new episodes and subscribe.
Thank you very much!