INTRO
Hey, how are you guys doing? My name is Priyesh Ramman, I’m from The Your Trainee Program Podcast. Good to have you guys back today. The your trainee program podcast is a podcast about personal development, and it’s actually all about making personal development all accessible for you guys.
Today we will be talking about the ego, but first, if you haven’t subscribed yet, make sure to subscribe to the podcast to get the latest updates first. And for more information, you can see yourtraineeprogram.com. So today’s episode is going to be about the ego.
WHAT IS THE EGO?
So what is the ego actually? Do you ever find yourself at parties or conversations with people and you’re always wanting to be right? Or do you find yourself in conversations with other people and trying to redirect the attention to yourself quite fast? Although someone is telling an interesting story and there’s this voice in your head like, hey, I did that too, or I have a better solution for this and your inner voice is craving to come out? Then today’s episode might be something for you. Make sure to listen through the entire episode, as I’m going to present you with my number one tip to controlling your ego and building better relationships and attaining your goals more easy and hopefully faster.
But first let me start with this. I am no psychologist at all. So the ego is very complex being which lives inside everybody, I believe. But for this episode, I just want to take a shallow look at the ego from a productivity perspective and how you can get things done better and how you can get your message across better. So when we will be talking about the ego, I want you to consider behavior of yourself or perhaps for someone else, who you know has a very big ego in terms of conceit and arrogance and where that is going to lead you. And especially today, I want to look at how things can be different and how it can lead to better things.
IMPORTANCE OF SELF CONSCIOUSNESS WHEN IT COMES TO EGO
But before we get there, it’s very important to be self-conscious. In order to track your own ego, you have to see the behavior which you are showing. And there are a couple of simple ways to do that. First of all, you can try to see at a conversation which you are having, like you’re third party observer. In that way, you can observe the conversation which you are having between you and a certain partner. If that’s one step too far, you can also try to look at other people’s conversation, like from your coworkers. If there are a couple of coworkers and they’re in an argument or in a conversation, you can see and feel what they are doing and talking about, and that might be more effective and a more easy way to see how the ego works. If you’re already there, you can just check your own behavior and your own conversations, and you can take notes from there.
EXAMPLE OF SELF CONSCIOUSNESS
To make this subject a little more clear. I will try to provide you with a real-life example of myself. At the time I was a manager of 45 coworkers divided in four teams. And in my management philosophy, I believe that trust, freedom and equivalents are the most important factors. And that’s how I lead the team. That’s actually my general management principles. I believe in giving responsibilities and taking responsibilities also. And I think it’s a two way stream, both for me and both for the team. And at that moment, we were facing some personal issues. We had some personal shortages which weren’t probably going to be solved soon. So I tried to come along with an answer for the shortages, which we were facing.
And I thought that I had a brilliant idea. I thought, what if I switched some people from one team to the other team? And to be fair I looked at some strong people from the one side to some strong people to the other side, because I thought that would be the most beneficial for everybody. So everybody would gain in this situation. As I thought of this solution on my own, I thought it would be a good idea to present it with the coworkers, which I wanted to switch from team ao I could tell them what it’s about, why I taught of it and stuff like that. So they could actually do it. And so we can sort out our problems. And I of course knew that I was going to face some resistance, but what happened in reality really surprised me.
I had kind of a 50% success rate because half of the employees were happy and consistent with the solution, but the other half, not so much. There was one employee and she was doing this work for a very long time now, maybe seven, maybe 10 years. And she didn’t really like the solution. What she said is that she got mad and she even told me how I could come up with such a ridiculous solution. Clearly she was not going to follow the pad which I suggested. And she also literally said that she wasn’t going to do it because of her team. Her team members were everything to her and she didn’t want to disappoint them.
So there I was with someone in the room, not agreeing on the plan. And also a bit embarrassed and yelled at. So I was a bit insecure about what to do next. First I thought about, it’s my call, I’m the manager so I’m going to decide what we’re going to do here. Actually, who are you to not do this or not want this? I’m calling the shots so this is what we are going to do. And for a second, I took a moment to think because I was going for a power play, I was going to force my way to get what I want. And I’m very glad that I didn’t because I paused for a moment. I listened to her. I almost figure, as a matter of speaking, left my body and watched the conversation, I saw two people, one, myself who had great intentions, who wants to do things better and who also wanted to sort things out for everybody. On the other hand, I saw one of my coworkers with exactly the same motivation she wanted to do what was best for everybody, for her, for me, but also for the firm.
And when that sunk in, I started to calm down because I was almost getting angry. I was almost trying to force my way on her. But I didn’t, and I’m very glad that I just paused for a moment. And that, was the moment my ego was hit. And if I hadn’t paused, I would probably do something which I would regret until today. Because if I had proceeded in my original emotion I was getting a bit mad, I was getting a bit frustrated, irritated, and those were the same emotions, which she was feeling. And if I had showed that reaction, things would have probably escalated very quickly and we wouldn’t have a solution at all. As a matter of fact, our relation would be damaged for good probably. It was that moment when I saw the person on the other end of the table when I understood what to do and I was able to calm myself and see things from a different perspective.
Not that being yelled at is a nice feeling, but I had a lot of more understanding for the colleague on the other side of the table. And as human beings, at least in my case, I know that I have to catch myself at meetings where I hear people talk about stuff. In my humble opinion, they don’t have a clue what they’re talking about, but my primary reaction is that I want to convince people. I want to share my view, which is maybe quite naive, according to me.
HOW TO CONTROL YOUR EGO
And a simple trick, which helped me in those cases, when I have the feeling that someone else is wrong or they’re not seeing the things clear and their way to go is definitely not the way to go is asking myself the following question, will my doubt or comments make things better productive and relationship-wise, in other words, by saying something or trying to convince something will I get closer or further away from my goals?
Think of the example I just gave, by correcting my colleague or telling her that she is unreasonable or that she had to do it anyway and not taking notice of her emotional reaction, I would probably have destroyed the relationships with one of my employees, while she was right about what she said. If that is her feeling about the situation, then I’m nobody to tell her that she is seeing things wrong. I would’ve probably pushed myself further away from her, from myself and from the team. So what I did, is I accepted the fact that she’s mad or disappointed, which doesn’t mean that I agree with her, but by giving her the understanding she needed at that moment, instead of trying to convince her that it would be a fun new challenge, that it was a good option, that she has to look at it from my perspective, but by giving her that understanding, her entire emotion and reaction changed.
HOW THE SITUATION WAS EVENTUALLY SOLVED
Because she said, when I calmed down and asked her nicely and also told her, I don’t agree with you, but this is the only way we have, is that she told me that she’s going to try it. She will try it at least one time and from there we will see. What happened in reality is that there was much more hesitation and insecurity about a new role than that she wasn’t agreeing with it. What we did. We had a good conversation together. And I told her that she had my support and that there was anything wrong, or there was something she didn’t know, she could always knock on my door and I would help her with that. And that was actually the only thing which was necessary for her to make the step. So on one side, she needed some affirmation, at least not being yelled at or being forced to do things. And on the other way, she just needed the factual situation from my perspective. And yeah, we agreed not to agree. And from there, we took things further.
And as humans, at least with me, we will probably often face the fact that our ego gets hurt, that we get insulted and that our ego is starting to do things, which we will probably soon regret, like the example I gave you to yell at other people to be mad. I don’t think anger is a productive emotion in getting common ground, in getting furthering your relationship and your product. And to prevent myself from doing stuff, which I will probably soon regret I always ask that question to myself, is it, or is it not going to bring me closer to my goal? Is it to even bring me further or away from it? And if I have the feeling in that split second, because I have to face that these things are going really fast.
PATIENTS IS A HUGE PART OF CONTROLLING YOUR EGO
Some situations and some conversations go really fast. So you don’t always have the opportunity to pause and think about it. But in a split second, I always try to follow my gut feeling and to listen to what it says, is it, or is it not going to bring me closer to my goal, the thing I want to attain? And of course it sounds quite easy. Just taking a pause, talking with yourself, calming yourself down and go from there. But the truth is, it’s going to ask a lot of your patients, because if you are not used to this if you are used to just have a counter-reaction every time stuff happens, then you have to train yourself first. Like I said earlier, you have to be conscious of the behavior which you are showing, and if it’s automatic behavior, then it will probably be a bit harder for you. So you just have to try to pause, to think and to correct yourself in a way which suits you.
And it will also ask from you to accept that everyone is entitled to a zone feel, whether you like it or not. And the only thing you can do is agree with it or disagree with it. But I don’t believe that pointing out that someone is wrong or seeing it the right way is a productive way to face communication. I think the faster you will embrace that it’s like that, the easier the result will come for you. Everybody has different perspective in life, but you can still have differences and progress in life and productivity.
SIDE NOTE
And a small side note, it will ask from you that you’re willing to invest in the relationships you have with the people you work with and understand other people’s values and drives. In the beginning it can feel like things are even going slower than before. And that is because you have to look at things from a different perspective, which might not be your own perspective. And that can be really hard. You have to put yourself in the shoes of someone else and that will take time, but I hope at some point you will experience that it’s one step back and two steps forward, because that’s definitely how I look at it and that’s also definitely how I see things changing around me. If I look at myself like maybe four or five years ago, if I had an argument and we were straight opposites of each other, we didn’t get anywhere because I didn’t accept it. I didn’t want to listen to other people.
RESPECT COMES BY LISTENING TO EACH OTHER
And the same is true for them. People were also not listening to me. If I look at it now I see that people are more willing to listen if you respect each other. And once again, I’m going to say that doesn’t mean that you have to agree on everything with anybody. As a matter of fact, it’s great that you have people in your team who think different because they all bring their own unique voice and values. And that’s what makes strong teams and that’s how you can benefit from each other’s knowledge. That asks from each other, that asks from everybody, that they’re willing to listen to each other and are willing to discuss things in a respectful manner. And I hope this example makes it a bit more clear about what your ego is capable of and when you can control it more, that you’re going to benefit from it personally but also productivity wise.
OUTRO
And yeah, that was actually it for today. And I really hoped you enjoyed today episode. And I’d love to hear how you keep control over your ego and how you put it to work in a positive way. Leave it in the comments. I’m really curious about it. If this is your first time listening, or you haven’t subscribed yet, don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast. And we’re also available on Spotify now for who haven’t heard yet. So you can bring this podcast with you while running, while walking the dog or while driving your car, of course, do it safely always. What would help me, is that you would leave me an honest comment or an honest review about how this is helping you in your daily search for personal development and what you want to see featured in this show further. And I’ll make sure to get back to you about it. I wish you a pleasant, productive week. Cheers.